she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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