i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
