She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
