I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
