We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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