Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
