I'm gonna have a badass scar
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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