He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
