drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
