I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
