I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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