She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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