New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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