i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
