I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
