4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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