I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
