you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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