I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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