I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
