Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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