But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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