Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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