somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
