At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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