Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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