Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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