I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
