I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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