It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
