Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
