im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
