i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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