well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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