I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
