I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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