I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
