My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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