i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
