My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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