Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
