her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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