wakey wakey hands off snakey
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
