I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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