she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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