i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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