No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
