New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
