i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
