I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
