he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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