Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
