There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
