Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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